Sex & the Single Gay Guy


"To have sex or not to have sex, that is the question." While it's certainly important to have a healthy sexuality when you're single, how you negotiate your sexual behavior as a gay man if you're on a "boyfriend hunt" can definitely have an impact on helping or hurting your cause. Have you ever gone out on a date that seemingly went really well to then be utterly confused when the guy doesn't ever call you again after you've slept together? Or what if you're in-between relationships, what role does sex play in your life? What do you do if that hot guy asks you back to his place after your first meeting? Are one-night stands ok?

These questions remain at the forefront of every single gay man's mind as he embarks out into the dating world, and they can be quite controversial topics for discussion among gay circles. The bottom line is that there are no steadfast rules or right/wrong answers to these questions necessarily; our sexuality is our own responsibility and we have personal choice in terms of how we decide to express this part of ourselves. But those unique choices you make about sex can have implications for relationship success if your ultimate goal is to find your life partner, and this article will address some of those factors and offer suggestions for navigating through those tricky decision-making processes.

Gay Sexual Development

As a result of being raised in a homophobic society, most gay men as part of their development denied and/or stifled their sexual feelings for other men out of shame and the need for acceptance and safety. As adolescents, most gay men missed out on accomplishing the developmental tasks of building dating skills and exploring their sexualities. Upon "coming out" to oneself, sex tends to take on a great significance and emphasis. After years of oppression and stuffing their sexual feelings, it is normal for gay men of any age to experience a "delayed adolescence" as they experiment sexually with other men on a casual basis, exploring who they are and defining a new identity as sexual gay men. These dynamics can change, however, the more comfortable one becomes with his sexual identity and crystallizes a more solid sense of self. For many men at this point, sexual needs become blended with a desire for emotional intimacy, something that can only be gained over time in the context of a loving relationship, not through a quick fling with a guy who was just met at the bar. Each scenario is purposeful, and neither should be judged as better or worse. What is important is a recognition of who you are, what you want, and aligning your behavior with that knowledge so there's congruence between your values and your actions.

Sex Vs. Love

What it all boils down to is honestly acknowledging to yourself what your priorities and ultimate goals are. Simply stated, what's more important to you at this particular juncture in your life, emotional involvement or sexual gratification? Emotional involvement is driven by a need for intimacy and connection, possible commitment, a shared set of values, interests, attitudes, and goals, and is characterized by the forming of an attachment where both men can risk being vulnerable and show their "true selves." Sexual gratification implies recreational sexual release that can be no-strings fun with a lack of expectations for anything of any depth beyond this. Be honest! Your answer to that question will be your guide to the kinds of choices you make that will allow you to live with sexual integrity.

Things To Keep In Mind

If you choose to have casual sex?

�Sex Changes Everything: Realize that once you have sex, the dynamics will never be the same with your lover. Intimacy can't be rushed and is built over time; early sex can help determine sexual compatibility on some level (although don't underestimate the fact that sex can get hotter as a relationship ages), but it can put the kebosh on intimacy because the relationship is rooted in sex and no other foundation has been able to be established. Don't confuse sex with love. While there are some one-night stands that have lead to long-term relationships, they are generally in the minority.

�Practice Physical & Emotional Safe Sex: Everyone knows of the importance of condoms and other safe sex practices to help protect against the transmission of sexual diseases (please play safely!), but safe sex also involves emotional integrity and honesty. Both men must be on the same page going into a sexual encounter to avoid hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and disappointment. Be up front and honest with your needs and intentions and make sure you both have the same expectations. Set clear boundaries and communicate these, even if it "kills the mood." If it's purely a sexual thing and you don't plan on maintaining contact again, politely say so and don't exchange numbers if you really don't plan on following through and placing a call.

�Determine Your Sexual Motives: Seems like a strange question, but why are you having sex? How does your sexual behavior impact your search for Mr. Right?

Exercise: Identify the reasons you believe that you have sex. This will help assist you in assessing whether your sexual habits are healthy or self-defeating and then you can begin developing "battle strategies" for overcoming those reasons that may be undermining your true happiness. Here are a few common purposes underlying sexual expression: "I have sex?"

___ to cope with frustration and for stress relief

___ to overcome loneliness ___ to cope with boredom

___ to increase self-esteem ___ for pleasure and fun

___ because I've given up on trying to find a boyfriend

___ to cope with inadequacy and shame for being gay

___ as a form of freedom & independence, the ultimate expression

of being gay

___ to avoid intimacy

___ other

Too much casual sex can sometimes harden a person to the point where sex becomes impersonal and he can then become detached from his feelings during lovemaking, even when he doesn't want to be disengaged. You may wish to consult with a therapist or coach on any of the above if you detect a pattern of sexually addictive or promiscuous behavior that you've been unable to manage.

If you choose to refrain from sex initially?

�Prepare for Love:Make the most of your singlehood by developing a vision for your life and future relationship so you're ready for it when it comes. Develop a dating plan and identify your negotiable and non-negotiable needs that you want to have for a fulfilling partnership with Mr. Right. Casual sex can steer you away from living this vision and you can begin attracting the wrong type of men, not to mention harm you "image." Know who you are and what you stand for!

�Stabilize Your Libido: Most dating coaches agree that it's best to hold off on having sex until you really know the guy you're dating first. This way you'll be able to determine if you're comfortable with this person to risk being vulnerable. Additionally, by not sleeping with him right away, his continued pursuit of you increases the probability that you're budding romance is predicated more on genuine interest in you and not just sex. If the sexual chemistry persists even after this, it's also likely that this attraction is more than just lust. In the interim, meet your sexual needs in other ways (eg. self-pleasuring, fantasy, etc.), as difficult and unrealistic as it may be at times.

�Pacing: "Pacing" refers to the art of taking things slowly and with conscious intent. You be in the driver's seat and proceed with your dating relationship at a speed that you're comfortable with and that is in alignment with your vision. Remember, common interests and values are the cement that help sustain relationships, not sex. Go slow.


Balancing head, heart, and libido is a very challenging task when you're single and dating, but the rewards are great if you live congruently with your values and standards you've set for yourself. Recognize the power that your choices have in influencing the direction of your life. In closing, some additional questions that might be helpful as you further ponder this topic are:

* What role does sex play in my history and current life situation?

* Am I really looking for a relationship or am I content with "cruising" for the time being?

* Does having sex distract me from my goal of finding my life partner?

* How do I feel about myself after sex?

� 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

Please also include with the article the words � Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to Thank you!

Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, toward developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources, and an advice column related to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion" published in May 2005. Visit his website at

In The News:

UF not responsible for drop in sexual health rankings - The Independent Florida Alligator

UF not responsible for drop in sexual health rankings
The Independent Florida Alligator
“Stanger-Hall and Hall discovered that the states with the lowest teen pregnancy rates institute 'abstinence-plus' sex education, ensuring that abstinence and information about sexual health and contraceptives are both covered,” PolicyMic stated.

Quality sex education vital for combatting rape culture - (press release)

Quality sex education vital for combatting rape culture (press release)
To address this issue, Ms Walker has created a sex education programme called GET A GRIP teenz which aims to assist parents and schools to partner together to talk about sex in a healthy way and address abusive sexual behaviour head on, helping ...

and more »

'Sexuality education' for 5-year-olds is 'not about sex at all', NZ Planned ... - Lifesite


'Sexuality education' for 5-year-olds is 'not about sex at all', NZ Planned ...
AUCKLAND, New Zealand, November 7, 2013 ( - The New Zealand Family Planning Association is trying to save face after public backlash over the Association's plan to release a sexuality resource for children aged 5 to 8 later this month.
If College Students Can't Say What 'Consent' Is, Then We...The New Republic

all 2 news articles »

PEI guide for parents: 'healthy' for kids to masturbate, touch genitals of ... - Lifesite

PEI guide for parents: 'healthy' for kids to masturbate, touch genitals of ...
The 7-page guide, titled “Children's Sexual Behaviours: A Parent's Guide”, put out by the Provincial Child Sexual Abuse Advisory Committee, provides a standard for what experts consider normal sexual behaviour in children from preschool to grade four.

UPDATED:Commentators accuse PEI government of sexualizing children - Journal Pioneer

UPDATED:Commentators accuse PEI government of sexualizing children
Journal Pioneer
CHARLOTTETOWN – Prince Edward Island's new parental guide to childhood sexual behaviour is being decried by some commentators as a “destructive” document that promotes pedophilia. Children's Sexual Behaviors: A Parent's Guide ... In a follow-up ...

and more »

Texas School District Sex Education Compares Non-Virgins To Chewed Gum - Huffington Post

Texas School District Sex Education Compares Non-Virgins To Chewed Gum
Huffington Post
Sexual health advocate Katie Gustainis Vela recently obtained what appears to be an instructional worksheet meant for teachers who lecture on sex ed. Vela tweeted a photo of the worksheet -- which likens people who have premarital sex to pieces of ...

and more »

Buddha Sex

Top Questions of our Time Series: SexSlam bam thank you... Read More

Homosexuality: Lets Reopen the Debate Part II

In my first piece on this subject titled Homosexuality: Let's... Read More

Better Orgasm - Tongue Action For Her

As a woman, I can definitely speak to the fact... Read More

11 Hot Tips For Lasting Longer in Bed

Ever wanted to achieve more sexual pleasure for you and... Read More

Thong Fascination: Just Another Way to Tease The Boys, or a Glimpse Into The Future?

They say that the thong is much more comfortable to... Read More

What is the Best Position for Making Love?

Ever wondered which is the most sexual and feminine sexual... Read More

How to Find the Female G-spot

The G-spot is a highly erogenous zone inside the vagina.... Read More

No Excuses for All that

Infidelity: an ugly beast that most people must deal with.Let... Read More

Exercises for Better Sex

Sex is a physical activity so naturally getting and keeping... Read More

Introducing Lingerie to Your Lover

Most people are aware of lingerie and what it is... Read More

Homosexuality: Lets Reopen the Debate!

I wonder why, in the current cultural war over "gays"... Read More

Natural Ways To Boost Your Sexual Power In Autumn

If your sexual tempo is decreased after sunny summer days... Read More

Boyfriend Quest: Defining Your Vision

Introduction"Why can't I sustain a relationship for more than two... Read More

Genital Warts: A Common Sexually Transmitted Disease

Genital warts are also called condylomata acuminata or venereal warts.... Read More

Mindfulness and Sex: Right There, Right Now

Mindfulness is downright sexy.After all, what's hotter than a partner... Read More

Male Enhancement Drugs Like Zenegra are Benefiting the Women as Well as the Men

Known as sildenafil citrate, tadalafil, and vardenafil in the medical... Read More

Sex Between Older Men and Much Younger Women

The reality is that sexual desire does not stop once... Read More

Furvert: Part 1 in an Investigative Series of Obscure Sexual Fetishes

Borne of the science fiction and fantasy fan scene, the... Read More

Swinging Lifestyle! A Way of Life, a Style of Living

What is the swinging lifestyle?By definition, the lifestyle is the... Read More

If The Fire Is Gone From Your Sex Life

If the fire is gone from your sex life, one... Read More

Its All Porn and Games Til Someone Gets Hurt

An 11 year old kid in Britain recently got caught... Read More

Infidelity Advice: How Gifts Can Expose Your Cheating Husband

Beverley was ecstatic when she discovered a box containing a... Read More

Casual Sex

Dear Lucia,I'm sleeping with this guy who I originally got... Read More

Learn How To Start Fingering Yourself Today Starting From Scratch

If you masturbate, but you're just not succeeding in pleasuring... Read More

Halloween Lingerie ? Leave the Kids at Home

Unfortunately, around the corner is the waiting season of autumn.... Read More