Four Ways Hell Slay Your Sex Drive

When you first met your guy, his carnal charisma probably had you breathless and purring for more. Yet, here you are, months or years down the road, and his bedroom antics don't quite get the rise out of you they used to. Though studies show the overwhelming majority of women prefer cuddling and romantic walks to making love, this lack of sexual interest can harm your relationship. "The only way to overcome the monotony that almost inevitably develops in a relationship is by ensuring that your relationship is as sexually exciting as it can possibly be," says Shmuley Boteach, author of Kosher Sex. "Studies show that when a couple's sex life becomes inviting, exciting, and pleasurable, most of [a relationship's] peripheral problems subside."

However, having an explosive sex life isn't as easy as we want it to be. You may find that after time, your libido decreases dramatically, almost mysteriously-you no longer look forward to sex. Many psychologists and MD's cite psychological or physiological problems as chief libido killers, yet there are many ways your guy can become the culprit stifling your desire. So, how can you revive your sagging sex drive? Use's rev tactics to recognize his foreplay faux pas and remedy them for good.

Libido Killer #1: He thinks he's got you figured out.

As far as he's concerned, he knows you inside and out. He no longer sees you as a mystery he wants to unravel. Though he enjoys the comfort of your familiarity, he begins to take it for granted-he is quick and to the point in bed, and makes no effort to seduce you. In conversation, he is content with idle chatter about money, work, and where to go to dinner. He no longer probes you with questions about your aspirations, fears, fantasies, or childhood memories.

Why you should take action: "Relationships die when two people no longer make each other's skin tingle because they've settled into a routine," Boteach warns. When two people are strangers, when each is a mystery to the other, they are careful to keep each other happy, aroused, and excited. In fact, at, we've realized that the couples who eventually marry are those who actively maintain the activities and interests they pursued upon first meeting each other.

Therefore, your guy's mistaken notion that he's got you figured out can cause stagnation and boredom in your relationship, and kill your libido, because he's no longer trying to win you over or learn more about you. If your guy no longer attempts to strip your emotional layers, you may lose interest in stripping his physical layers.

How to revive your sex drive: Remind your guy that you are an eternal mystery. Consistently engage him in conversation that leads each of you to a deeper understanding of each other. Try posing erotic "what if" scenarios or play sensual, slightly naughty games like strip quarters (when one of you can bounce a quarter into the cup, the other has to strip a piece of clothing).

Also be careful to break routine now and then. "Consider what you did together and what you talked about during the first three months of your relationship that made you fall in love with each other," says Kim Eykelboom, founder of "Bring those elements back into your relationship." Eykelboom also recommends occasional role reversal. If your guy feels he knows you well, surprise him. If you are normally sexy and secure, act shy and reserved once in a while. If he is always the one to take sexual initiative, surprise him with your own slightly aggressive moves. You'll be surprised how lavishing him with erotic attention and shaking up your routine can ignite your libido.

Libido Killer #2: He confuses romancing you with seducing you.

He lavishes you with roses, romances you with poetry, and graciously attends to your every need. Because of his gentle nature, he is crushed by your sexual disinterest because he feels he's done everything to ensure your love and desire. But he confuses romancing you with seducing you. He has forgotten how to captivate your senses with scented candles, sensual fruits, and hot oils. He no longer whispers naughty "I'm going to's" in your ear, and he forsakes the gallant knight in him for the poetic troubadour.

Why you should take action: "Men can often fall into a 'nice guy' syndrome. They think romance is enough, but women need more than romance-they need the romantic seducer," says Eykelboom. Romance is important, but it creates fuzzy, oh-how-sweet feelings, rather than the intense, I-have-to-have-you-this-very-moment feelings. Having a romantic boyfriend who is no longer passionate or seductive, can lead you to believe your lacking interest in sex is your fault. You may believe that your relationship is doomed, because he appears to be the perfect boyfriend, yet you're uninterested. Rather than constructively improving the relationship, you result to blaming yourself or feeling guilty.

How to revive your sex drive: If his saccharine nature turns you off, you need to evaluate your desires to determine what, in addition to the roses and cards, you truly want in a lover. Take stock of your various fantasies and discern the common theme that shows up again and again. If you often fantasize about a man making love to you in an off-beat location, perhaps you'd like your guy to surprise you once in a while, rather than always initiating sex in the bedroom. Once you realize your passion primer, reveal it in a sexy note or write it on the steamy mirror of his bathroom for him to find next time he takes a shower. Keep dropping little hints until he gets a clue. Keeping it subtle means you'll never quite know when he'll catch on. One day, he'll just pounce!

Libido Killer #3: He treats you like one of the guys.

His immaculate appearance and gentlemanly manners have vanished. He dresses for you the way he'd dress for a kick-back day with his buddies. He may even go so far as to constantly tease you, calling you playful but annoying names, and routinely rough housing with you. In bed, he may become competitive, with a 'going for the gold' mindset that concentrates more on his performance than your pleasure.

Why you should take action: Though you want your guy to be playful with you, you don't want your only interaction to be 'buddy talk' and tumble sessions reminiscent of a wrestling match on Smack Down. He likely doesn't realize what he's doing and he's simply resorting to interactions that are most comfortable and familiar for him. However, his constant teasing and possible competitiveness will make you feel more like one of his buddies than his sexy girlfriend.

How to revive your sex drive: Sit your guy down and tell him how you feel. Share with him how being treated like one of his buddies makes you feel like just a friend. Explain that you want to feel sexy and loved. At first, refrain from pointing out each mistake he's made, and don't expect him to fix his faux pas immediately. "A man's ego is incredibly vulnerable when it comes to sex and relationships," warns Eykelboom. "A man will often shut down or go on an extreme defensive if directly attacked. Use 'I feel' language rather than 'You did' language, and try to also praise him for what he does right"

If, after a couple days, he hasn't laid off the buddy interaction, then consider coming up with a ridiculously random code word that you'll mention whenever he starts treating you like one of the guys. Choose a word you don't normally use in every day speech that, when spoken, will shock him for a moment so he'll internalize that specific moment as a 'try not to do this again' situation. Using a ridiculous word like "handicap" or "toilet seat" will take the edge off of the situation and hopefully make you both laugh. For a sexy twist, try an erotic code word that may just put you both in a randy mood. The key is to be creative so that your guy feels comfortable. Let him feel like he is choosing how to act, and that you appreciate his effort.

Libido Killer #4: He's a workaholic.

He's hard working, ambitious, and financially secure. He had you swooning over him like a grade school girl when you first met. But his job is beginning to take priority over his relationship with you, and he works later and later each night. He is always exhausted after work, so he has little energy to expend on you and your sexual needs.

Why you should take action: Even if your boyfriend is a perfect gentleman when he's with you, if his job takes priority over your relationship, it can quickly kill his libido and yours. If he works hard during the day, when he sees you at night or on the weekends, he may be too exhausted to partake in hours of foreplay, or in other erotic activities that elevate your sex drive. Because his libido is easily ignited, he can forget that yours requires more than a place and a face.

How to revive your sex drive: Get your guy (and yourself) into the habit of slowing down when you both get home from work. Take turns giving each other massages, and toss up your routine at the house. If you live together, turn cooking dinner into a fun experiment where each of you creates your own version of a meal, and have an erotic prize for the best one. Instead of turning on the TV, play a game of naughty nude twister or, if you're going to watch TV, find a show that you enjoy watching together and make fun, erotic bets guessing what will happen in a particular episode. If you live apart, surprise your guy at his place with a full evening of pampering and relaxation.

But what do you do if your guy often brings work home, or works from home? Sit with him and do your work together, like Michelle*, 26 does. "My boyfriend recently started his own business, and since he has to work a lot while home, we both go to the bookstore to work or read together. We get into a lot of deep conversations that often turn to sexy topics. Having to whisper our naughty conversation in the bookstore turns into the perfect foreplay. Half the time, we have to cut it short and run home for some action!"

Also encourage him to slow down when you make love. Try using a scarf or nylons to gently tie his hands down so that you control the pace. Take extra care to lavish attention on each part of his body, allowing him to experience the pleasure associated with slow, languid love making sessions. Then, when he's worshipping you for your attention to his every erotic need, give him a wink and say, "I'm glad you enjoyed it. Because next time, it's my turn!"

Jaime L. Mintun is the featured author of's new article series that is helping's members improve their online dating practices and make that special connection that lasts. Ms. Mintun can be reached at Visit us at to fill out your free dating profile!

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